


So Your Boyfriend is Hades

by daemonicblackcat



Category: Greek and Roman Mythology
Genre: F/M, Gen, Humor, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-18
Updated: 2013-09-18
Packaged: 2017-12-26 22:14:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/970886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daemonicblackcat/pseuds/daemonicblackcat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I, Penny Harveste, am going through some changes.  Unfortunately, puberty isn't one of them anymore. Gods, I never thought I would say that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Moving

**Author's Note:**

> So, I had this great idea pop into my head like twenty seconds ago about the gods being reincarnated into the modern world so that they can be a bit more subtle in their manipulations of the human race. Not everyone's a teenager (thank the gods), but they all have human bodies; sort of. I am writing this with no plan whatsoever so I'm just going with what the muses give me. Hope it works.

“We’re moving?”, I asked weakly, as if I physically could not take the words.

“Yes honey”, my mother replied, “We’re moving to New York.

I cut my eyes suspiciously at her. “Mom, you hate New York. You hate cities in general.” 

Its true. She hates cities. Right now we’re living in a cabin in a forest near Forks, Washington. It sucks. Mostly because of Twilight, but also because of bad wifi.

“Something has come up. Because of that we need to move to New York.” 

“Did Grandma die?” It sounds horrible of me to ask, but my grandmother does live in New York, and chances are if “something’s come up” Grandma’s about to take a dirt nap.... Gods I am a horrible grandchild.

My mother looked at me exasperatedly, “No, your grandmother did not die. Stop being so morbid. I decided that in order for you to develop properly as a person you need to have more human contact. What better place for human contact than the largest city in the country?”

“Didn’t we get enough human contact when the tourists invaded the forest looking for sparkly vampires? Especially that day you wore a shiny shirt outside of the house.” 

Yep. My mom got jumped by Twilight fans because she was reflecting the sunlight. This is my life. 

“Honey, we just need to move to New York. Can’t you be like a normal teenager and be excited about it?”

“Fine, but I get to label the boxes because you are horrible at packing. Seriously, shoes in the book boxes and lamps in the clothes ones.”

My mom grinned and grabbed my hands, “See, this’ll be just fine!”

She lied.


	2. The Arriving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah, the glorious feels of moving. Also, I find out something new and slightly disturbing about myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not trying to offend anyone with the whole "capital G God isn't real thing", but you can't really have God in a story about the reincarnation of Greek gods, can you? If you're really that offended by it maybe you shouldn't be reading a story about the reincarnation of Greek gods. I mean, the heavens/sky/mythos would sort of be crowded with both, don't ya think?

When we got to New York it was fucking raining. You cannot understand the extent of this rain; I thought that any second the entire city would flood and only God’s chosen would survive. Boy was I wrong. Not just about the flooding, but the God thing too. Don’t tell the Christians though; they might revolt.

You see, this whole revelation started like this:

My mom and I got off of the plane at JFK, collected our bags (all of our other stuff had been sent ahead), and went to look for Grandma (who is still alive and kicking). Grandma, bless her heart, had hired a limo and forced the driver to stand out in the rain with a bedazzled sign that said, Penny and Audrey Harveste. We walked up to the poor driver and he let us into the car. We both took turns hugging Grandma and then I demanded answers.

“So Grandma, what did you do to blackmail Mom into moving to New York?”

Grandma looked startled at the question and glanced at Mom disapprovingly. “You mean she didn’t tell you?”

“Grandma, Mom wouldn’t tell me what a period was until I was bleeding all over the bathroom floor; what makes you think she’d tell me the reasons behind us moving?”

My mom cleared her throat loudly and glared at us both, so we were silent for the rest of the car ride.

* * *

 

When we got to our new apartment building my eyes widened in shock. This place was huge! It was clearly an older building; covered in marble and decorated with Greek inspired statues and bronze fittings. I had no idea we could afford something like this, and I made it known.

“Mom, since when could we afford to live in places like this? In one of the most expensive cities in the world, no less.”

My mother made a tight, pinched smile and said, “We aren’t paying for this.” And marched inside. I looked imploringly at Grandma, but she shrugged and ushered me inside.

The lobby looked just as posh as the outside of the building. There was red carpeting, chairs and settees covered in gold cloth, and more Greek statues. We found Mom at the elevator banks, staring furiously at the sign proclaiming the names of each apartment’s owners. I looked at it too and noticed something strange. The names next to apartment O16 were Harveste, Penny and Harveste, Audrey. The names next to H1 were Aita, Jared and Harveste, Penny. I looked carefully at the sign again and the words seemed to shift. Now it said O16 - Persephone & Demeter and H1 - Hades & Persephone. I turned to stare at my mom, who was now red in the face.

“Mom, what’s going on? Why is my name on their twice?” My mother didn’t answer and  just yanked me into the elevator. I glanced back at the sign one more time and saw O1 - Rhea. I wonder why that jumped out to me.

* * *

We went up to level O (I wonder why the floors aren’t numbered) and walked to apartment O16. My mom pulled a key out of her pocket and opened the door. From what I could see the apartment was already furnished with different furniture from our own. All of it looked designer and, strangely enough, organic. My mother collapsed into a rather ornate chair and started massaging her forehead. I did some investigation; which really means that I ran around the apartment (which was more of a condo/loft thingy) screaming “holy shit” every time I discovered something that we had not previously owned. I screamed a lot. Apparently all of our furniture had been replaced by newer, more expensive pieces. Not that I was complaining.

“Hey Mom, what happened to all of our old furniture?” My mother groaned and sank further into her chair. My grandmother sighed and answered my question.

“These accommodations are more befitting to your stature.” Dear lord she’s finally lost it. I always knew this day would come. I mean, what kind of grown woman bedazzles welcome signs?

“Grandma have you gone off your meds again?” And she had the nerve to look offended! As if she wasn’t talking crazy!

She turned to Mom. “Have you told Persephone anything?”

Hey, that’s what the sign changed my name to. 

“Hey, that’s what the sign changed my name to. I mean, I know its my real name and all, but I don’t even use it that much. By the way, who’s Jared Aita and why do I also share an apartment with him?”

After each word that came out of my mouth, Grandma looked more and more livid. I thought she was going to strangle Mom. Then she started speaking in a very cold, quiet tone.

“Demeter, how dare you keep this from your daughter? If anything she should know this.” Then she turned to me and started speaking in a very soft tone. “Persephone dear, perhaps you should sit down.”

I don’t know about you, but when my Grandma starts talking like that I do what the fuck she says. She says sit down, I sit the fuck down. So, I sat the fuck down. On a very comfortable couch.

“Persephone, there is something very important about our family that you need to know. There’s no easy way to put this so I’ll say it outright. We are all reincarnations of the Greek gods.”

I stared at her. I stared at that woman so hard that if I stared any harder I would’ve stared a whole through her forehead. I turned very slowly to Mom and stared at her too. I mouthed “is she insane” at her and she let out a sob. I have no idea how to take that. Is Grandma crazy or isn’t she?

I turned back to Grandma. “Um Grandma, with all due respect, what the holy flying fuck are you talking about?” I know I shouldn’t curse at my grandmother, but I was hoping it would snap her out of whatever crazed delusion she was in.

She rolled her eyes. “The flying fuck that I am talking about is that you, your mother and I, and many other people are reincarnations of gods and I can prove it.” 

I stared really hard at her again. I’m not sure what the proper reaction to your grandma talking crazy is, so I just tried to prove her wrong. 

“Okay, prove it.”

She poked at Mom until Mom reached out and made the couch I was sitting on grow wheat. I promptly freaked the fuck out.

“OhholymotherfuckingshitthefuckingcouchjustgrewfuckingwheathowtheholyhellisthatevenpossibleMomGrandmapleasestopfuckingwithmeandjusttellmewhatthehellisgoingon!”

... It wasn’t as bad as it seems, okay.

My mom walked over to me and put her hands on my shoulders. I hoped to high hell that they didn’t grow wheat too.

“Persephone. Penny. Honey. Your Grandmother is not crazy, we are not trying to mess with your head. I should have told you this a long time ago, but I was so set on trying to save you from your faith that I didn’t consider how hard this would be once you were older. We are all reincarnations of the Greek gods. Your grandmother is Rhea and I am Demeter.”

I stared, once again, my mind furiously whirling; trying to put all the pieces together. Then my brain screeched to a stop once I had reached a certain point. If Rhea is my grandmother and Demeter is my mother then I could be only one person. I looked at my mother, and she looked back at me sadly.

I took a step back and sat down on the couch again. I felt dizzy, and I could barely hear the words as they came out of my mouth.

“I’m Persephone.”

It all made sense after that. Us living out in the woods, my affinity with plants and animals, me getting cold so easily, my mother’s reluctance to let me out of her sight during the - My mind stopped again. My mother has always hated letting me out of the house during the winter. Ever since I was little. I thought that it was just because I got sick so easily. My memory instantly flashed back to the sign in the lobby. Once again, I could not hear the words as I spoke them.

“I’m Persephone. I’m married to Hades. I have to spend half of the year with him in the underworld.” Seconds later I came to another revelation.

“HOLY SHIT I’M GOING TO GIVE BIRTH TO THE FUCKING FURIES!”

 


	3. Revelations (and Meeting My Dad)

After I had my loud, alarming, horrified screech I stared into the distance as if the wallpaper would tell me how to deal with this situation.

This is worse than prying weird, foreign people off of your mom.

This is worse than moving. 

This is worse than puberty. 

I miss puberty. It was cake compared to this!

My mom laughed in that relieved sort of way that moms do, and I looked at her like she just said that she’s going to be the next naked cowboy. 

Grandma rolled her eyes again. “Persephone, the Furies were born ages ago. You don’t have to worry about that at all.”

I swear I almost collapsed in relief, then I had another fucking revelation. Thankfully by now nothing could shock me.

“Hey, what about that whole deflowering rapey thingy? Is that supposed to happen? If it is then I’m getting a fucking taser.” 

Mom stopped laughing. “That will never happen.” The way she said it was as if she would stop the world from turning to prevent it. I have never felt safer in my life.

“What about marrying Hades?” I asked.

“That already happened”, my grandma said, all matter of fact like, “you saw the sign. You’ll be staying with Hades from September twentieth until March twentieth." 

Well, I guess I can’t say that I never wanted to smack my grandma.

“I have to live with a stranger that I’m supposedly married to for six months? I thought I would at least get to meet the guy first! The twentieth is in three fucking days!”

Grandma turned to cut her eyes at mom. “You were supposed to be getting to know him your whole life. Hopefully the fates will see it fit to fill in the information you and Hades missed thanks to your mother.”

My mom stood up, “I was only trying to give her a choice! Besides, technically he’s her uncle!”

I have never gotten queasy that fast before.

My grandmother sniffed, “Technically Zeus is her uncle as well as her father, but that never stopped you!”

Oh god, I’m really going to throw up now.

Hold the fuck up, I have a dad?

“I have a dad?”

Grandma glared at mom again, “is there anything else you didn’t tell her? How sex works maybe? Or how to use the bathroom on her own?”

Okay that was just insulting. I know how to go to the bathroom! Oh, and I know how sex works too. Oh shit, sex. What if I have to have sex with this guy?

“Hey Grandma, could you pause in your mom-shaming right now and help me out here? The world’s not gonna end if I don’t bone this Hades dude, right?" 

Grandma looked at me as if she couldn’t believe that such a vulgar little thing could ever be related to her. “No”, she said as if she were in pain, “you the world will not end if you do not “bone” him.”

My mom looked at me confusedly, "Wouldn't he be the one boning you?"

With that, she must have decided that she just can’t with me and Mom, so she left. Very dramatically if you ask me.

* * *

 

After the whole “Hey you are a goddess” thing had had time to sink in I went to my mom’s room to ask her something I had been wondering my entire life.

I did not expect for her to have torn up her room.

“Why can’t I find it?”

“What are you trying to find?”, I asked.

“She looked up at me from where she was crouching under her flipped up mattress and blushed. “Your wedding ring”, she muttered.

WTF.

“I have a wedding ring that symbolizes a marriage that I didn’t know about until an hour ago and you’re actually looking for it? You do realize that it essentially means nothing right now, right?”

She got this sheepish look on her face and said, “Well before now the only people who know that you and Hades have never met are you, me, your grandmother, and Hades himself. Unfortunately, since we talked about it in this building, Zeus now knows and he’s not happy. Well, neither is Hades, but he’s been unhappy about it for eighteen years so he can get the fuck over it.”

Then she went back to searching the underside of the mattress. There was a loud ripping sound and then a “aha, found it” before a small silver ring came flying at my face. I managed to catch it before it hit me in between the eyes.

Mom popped back up and smiled, “Zeus would kill me if I had really lost it.”

I narrowed my eyes at her, “speaking of, why haven’t I met this supposed father of mine, huh?”

She sighed “because he would take you away from me and force you to get to know Hades. I wanted to give you some time to have a real relationship before you had to start the whole six months thing, but he never agreed with me.”

I kept glaring, “You do realize that by hiding me away from eighteen years you kept me from getting to know the person I have to spend the rest of my life with, right? And you do realize that now I only have three days before I have to move in with this guy, right? So now I will be spending extended amounts of time with a stranger that I’m supposed to be in a romantic relationship with. Oh holy shit my life has turned into The fucking Vow. Only there is no Channing Tatum which was really the only reason why you got me to watch that movie.”

Huh, I’m breathing kind of funny. ...Oh shit I’m having a panic attack.

Way to go dipshit.

Oh look, the floor is rushing up to catch me.

Hang on-

And I hit the ground so hard I’m surprised my entire face didn’t shatter. The funny thing is that as soon as I hit the floor the phone started ringing. I jumped back up, clutching my nose and went to answer the phone.

“Hello, Penny and Audrey Harvete's phone.” What? I always answer the phone like that. I do not have a concussion.

“Persephone”, a gruff and really manly (like Wolverine type manly) voice said, “This is your father, Zeus.” Way to drop the bomb dad. “I would like for you to meet me in my apartment as soon as possible.”

Then he hung up.

“Hey Mom”, I shouted in her direction, “Which apartment is Zeus in?”

“O3”, she responded.

Well I guess I know what I’m doing next. 

Oh shit I’m still bleeding.

Goddammit that’s a lot of blood.

* * *

 

So after I cleaned up my face blood and changed my shirt, I grabbed a copy of the apartment key and walked out the door. I made sure to lock the door behind me because magical godly apartment building or not, this is still New York.

I walked down the hallway to the door that read O3 and knocked on it. The door was opened by this tall, red headed woman.

“Hi”, I said, “I’m here to see Zeus. I’m Persephone.”

Let me tell you that this woman looked like she just flipped all of the shits that she’s ever had when she heard that.

Something tells me that this is Hera. 

The woman forced a sickly sweet smile onto her face and opened the door wider. “Hello Persephone, my name is Hera. You know who I am, yes?”

Man do I want to hit this lady.

“You are the wife of Zeus and the goddess of marriage. Can I please see my father now?”

She stopped smiling and stepped away from the door to let me in. I walked into the apartment and looked around. All of a sudden some huge man-warrior looking dude hugged me. 

I bit him. I’m not proud of it, but I bit him. Turned out he’s Ares. Oops.

“Arrrrrgh!”, he yelled and dropped me like a hot potato. I landed on my face again, so much for goddess like grace and beauty. I’ll be lucky if I can even sneeze after today.

“I stood up as fast as I could and looked around for anyone else. I saw this guy in a fancy suit sitting in a chair laughing. I assumed that he was Zeus.

He sort of confirmed that when he said, “Careful Ares, this time your sister has more bite than usual.” So what, I was a wimpy maiden type beforehand? Explains the kidnapping. 

“Dear Persephone, it saddens me that I haven’t been able to see you all these years.” Holy fuck my dad talks like Dumbledore. “ I have brought you here because, thanks to your mother, you have a lot to catch up on. I thought that with autumn beginning so soon, meeting your husband was most imperative.” Zeus sort of looked around and muttered to himself, “Now where did he go?”

“Um Mr. Zeus”, I asked.

“Oh please call me father.”

I looked out of the corner of my eye at Hera, who looked like she flipped all of her shits all over again. “Um, okay. Father, I was wondering if I could kind of skip the cohabitating thing this year, what with me not really knowing Hades or anything.” 

I glanced back at Hera to make sure she wasn’t sneaking up on me or anything, and noticed this real cray-cray smile on her face. I have a feeling that shit is about to go down, but I’m not sure. 

Zeus winced and started talking in a sympathetic voice, “Persephone, I personally know what its like to be in an unwanted marriage”, insert heavy look at Hera, “but now that you are eighteen the changing of the seasons cannot happen without you staying in the Underworld with Hades. I am sorry that I cannot change this, but I do not know how. Besides, my brother is not so bad a person once you get to know him. If I could only remember where he went.”

Ugh, I forgot that Hades is my uncle/husband. Blech.

“Ares”, Zeus said, “Please go and find Hades for me.”

We sat there in silence for a few minutes until Ares returned followed by another man.

He was slimmer than Ares, but still well muscled, and was just about a foot taller than me (which is not great feat. I’m only five feet tall). He had black hair and black eyes, and pale, olive colored skin. Well, at least I’m not stuck with someone who looks old enough to be my father.

Isn’t Hades supposed to be the oldest though... huh.

He took one look at me and then kissed me. Now I’m not complaining, but that isn’t really how you greet a person. I was used to “Hi, my name is...” so forgive me if I overreacted.

I sort of... kind of... kicked him in the nuts. Its sort of what you’re supposed to do if a guy molests you.

...

...

Clearly I forgot that I was supposed to married to him. 

...

...

In my defence the Fates were supposed to give me information about him.

...

...

Oh, shut up.

While I was shoving Hades off of me. Zeus was laughing and Ares was staring horrified, as if he never expected me to do that. Stupid, that one.

Poor Hades looked confused as hell, which I was not expecting. I thought that the whole me not knowing him went hand in hand with him not knowing me. I turned to glare at Zeus, since this was all his fault.

“I guess the Fates have not restored your past memories”, Hades said through gritted teeth. Zeus laughed some more, despite my death glare and Ares, for all his war godliness, just looked like he wanted to give Hades an ice pack. Weird. I thought that he would be reveling in the violence.

I turned to look back at Hades. “No they have not restored any memories to me. If they have, the update my be delayed by the concussion I probably have.”

Everyone in the room blinked at me, and then Ares roared, “She bested me with a concussion? What kind of hell-raiser had Demeter created?”

Zeus ignored him and did some sort of fatherly tut-tutting thing and said, “Well, although its not the best turn of events, this will still help things marginally. Persephone, Hades will stay up with you throughout the night to make sure that you do not obtain any permanent brain damage. Hades, you will not molest my daughter again unless you want to be disemboweled. I think that in the event that you should perish, Persephone will be capable enough to rule the Underworld and set into effect the changing of seasons. Now how about you two go off to Persephone’s apartment and speak with Demeter.”

And just like that, I was stuck with Hades.


	4. Mom Gives the Shovel Talk to the Ruler of the Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You read the chapter title.

I led Hades to my apartment and let us both is.

"Mom?", I yelled, "Mom, I have a concussion and Zeu- I mean Father ordered Hades to stay awake with me and make sure I don't get any brain damage."

Silence.

“Mom?”

More silence.

“Mom, if you have been snatched away by some creepy-mythie-not-supposed-to-exist thing please tell me so I can save you.”

There was still silence. I took four more steps into the apartment and almost had a stroke when I heard yelling and a huge clang. I turned around and lo and behold. There is my mom. With a frying pan. Standing over an unconscious Hades. Wow.

“Hey mom”, I said in as soothing a voice as I could muster, despite the fact that my heart is still going at about three hundred miles an hour, “put the frying pan down, and step away from the body. Now, is he still alive, or do we have to dump his body in the Hudson?”

What? You would’ve thought about it too.

She sighed and said, “I was planning on doing that regardless if he is alive or not. I figure if he’s dead, you don’t have to live with him” and then she gave me a look that pretty much proved she was Hera’s sister. The shits have been flipped once again.

“Mom”, I said, “Imma go get Grandma. Stay here and don’t touch anything.”

And then I took off. Tearing out of the apartment and into the hallway, rushing past doors until I got to O1.

“Grandma”, I yelled, banging on the door, “Grandma, I need help. Mom flipped all of her shits just like Hera and she’s freaking me out. Oh, and there’s an unconscious person in our living room.”

The door swung open and there stood a woman who looked remarkably like me. Almost exactly really, except she didn’t have a tiny birthmark under her right eye like I do.

“Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my Grandma’s apartment?”, I demanded. Considering that I’m in an apartment building full of gods that probably wasn’t the right thing to say.

The woman waved her hand and my mouth disappeared. Yep, definitely not the right thing to say.

“I am Artemis and I am not to be spoken to like that.” Holy shit, another shakespearian. “I am in Queen Rhea’s apartment seeking council as to how to deal with my brother’s antics. If you wish to speak to her you must only ask.”

We stood in silence for a moment.

“Well”, she said, “ask”. I glared at her a gestured to the place where my mouth used to be. “Oops”, she muttered, and then waved her hand again.

I sighed and said, “May I please speak to my Grandmother?”

Artemis smiled and stepped from in front of the door.

I rushed in and went right over to my grandmother, who was reclining in on a chaise.

“Grandma, I know this sounds crazy and all, but mom knocked out Hades and told me she wanted to dump him in the Hudson River, which is just gross.”

She rolled her eyes and muttered, “Must all my children be dramatics?” For a second I thought, “what children?”, and then I remembered that Zeus, Posideon, Hades, Hera, and mom are all her children. Weird. And that lovely though about being married to my own uncle comes back. Wonderful.

My grandmother took my hand and said, “dear, your mother isn’t going to kill Hades...yet. She is just trying to scare him so that he’s too afraid to even look at you. She’ll just yell at him once he comes to and let him go on his way. Why don’t you just go back home, ignore them, and go to sleep. Perhaps everything will seem less insane in the morning.”

I admit, I looked at her kind of cross eyed, but I did what I was told. I said goodbye to both her and Artemis, walked back to my apartment, ignored my mother yelling (“If you even look at her the wrong way, you will lose your ability to go to the bathroom without assistance”), went to my room, and collapsed on the bed. Maybe grandma is right and everything will make sense in the morning.


End file.
